Coming back to "life"

My post title has a double meaning :) - I feel a little bit dead, and I also have been quite checked out of "life" for the past 2 months. I used to blog all the time. I loved doing it. It's just been too hard. Well, not too hard, it's been impossible. Even sitting down tonight just to maybe put a couple pictures of the kids and things, and I fell apart. It's been very difficult to separate my joy and gratitude for Christmas and the pain it causes at the same time. This was my mom's favorite, absolute favorite time of year. I've never had a Christmas without her. It's been very very hard, even harder than Thanksgiving was, but I know one way or another, January 1st, I'll still be alive and breathing. The more I love and get into the Christmas spirit, the more painful and harsh the sting is every time I am reminded by some small, or big thing about her. And those stings come many many times a day. The days where I'm busy kind of help, but a lot of times I'm not functioning on any level really. Ask my sisters, they know what I'm talking about! :) I find myself wandering around the house, 3 or 4 times before I finally can get to the thing I needed and finish the task I'm trying to finish. It doesn't make for a very well-run house, but luckily I'm married to a man who ain't afraid to do some housework (never has!) and help pick up my major major slacking. It's just so hard to be happy, even though I'm happy, if that makes any sense. Well, it doesn't make sense, except to me, and my sisters probably, and anyone else who's gone through this type of loss. Now that I think about it, this is the way it was when Mom was still here. We talked about it often, that the more intense the joy, the more intense the sorrow. She had such a great trip to Colorado, and Tahoe, really enjoyed herself, but at the same time, she obviously thought of the deep sorrow she would leave behind, and the thoughts that quite possibly those would be the last trips to those beloved places, and with those beloved people she would take. It was so wonderful to have so much fun, and share so much love with each other when we'd just hang out all together those past few months, but then to have so much love means that there's an even bigger void left behind when someone is gone.

I didn't mean for this to be a crying post (for me I mean... ) but oh well I guess. I'll try and move on to recent events with us Bennions.

Tonight, we took the kids up north off of Carefree highway to see some AWESOME light displays at some houses. One guy picks videos and music and composes the entire light show. He has a snow machine (bubbles) in the front and our kids went CRAZY with it. It was awesome. It was nice to have some fun with the kids. We listened to Christmas music on the way out and back. This other house you could drive through their lot through all these Christmas Light figures.

Our good friends the Walls invited us over for FHE last Monday. Tevia made REAL gingerbread houses (for us adults) and the kids and we spent the night decorating them. It was a nice lighthearted (which is nice for me these days) activity and we've been enjoying munching on the good candy all week. :) Thanks Walls!

Thanksgiving is the time when all of my side of the family gets together (as opposed to Christmas). It was hard without my mom. We did some things the same, and some things a little different. Wendy, my younger sister who is also an avid baker decided to make my mom’s homemade rolls, which is a huge undertaking. Her, Heidi (my older sis) and John (big bro) are all good at that, so they spend all Thursday making the dough and rolls. They were EXCELLENT. Mom was proud I’m sure. And I’m sure she also thought they were crazy. Not even SHE did them every year. My sister Jennie and her husband Wes did a really cool thing before we all had the blessing on the food. They did kind of a memorial for my mom where they lit 4 candles in her memory. I think 1 was for our grief, 1 for our love, 1 for our memories and 1 to help us through our future holidays without her. It was very sweet and felt good to honor her and have her candles burning throughout dinner.

A funny thing we did -- Wes asked, as we were all signing up for what food everyone was bringing, a very good question. “Why are they called funeral potatoes?” He’s not Mormon, so you know… it’s a good question. We were all just like “Well… cuz you serve them at funerals!” He thought it was a little morbid, especially considering our recent family events. Anyway, Wendy & Todd stayed with us, and as we were baking away in our kitchen and discussing this very good question, Paul decided we should come up with a new name for it during our Turkey Day festivities. We gave everyone a piece of paper and asked them to come up with a new name…. it ended up being a total riot, and had some really good suggestions, such as, “Potatoes That Must Not Be Named,” and “Birthday Potatoes” (instead of funeral) “Happy Potatoes,” “Potatoes Extravaganza” “Papas con queso y crema” and the winner, which was “Je Ne Sais Quoitatoes.”

We did the usual puzzle, play games, and have all the grandkids running around crazy. Gotta love having a ton of rooms for everyone to play in.

Kaitlyn & Megan also recently finished up their seasons doing Basketball and Volleyball (respectively). They both did great and learned a lot, and improved a lot over the past few months. They both had excellent coaches and had a lot of fun.

Another thing that kept us busy was watching my brother David’s 3 boys while they went to Hawaii. We had a blast with them and they were really great at helping do chores. My kids were sad when they left, and then after everyone left after Thanksgiving. :( But then, we just had Heidi's 6 kids stay with us for a couple days - good distraction again!

We also celebrated Paul’s Grandpa’s 96th birthday. He’s a great man who has accomplished a lot in his life. We love him a lot and it was good to see him.

October 20th Paul, me and my brother David went to the U2 concert. It was awesome, as they usually are. It was a little soon after my mom’s passing, so you know…. But it was still a great show. It was nice to hang out with Paul and Dave too.

So, that’s that. Long and boring I know. But I didn’t make you read this far! It’s your own fault!

Love to all of you who read my boring blog and thanks to everyone who’s called, sent cards, thought about, prayed for and comforted me and my family. It’s been hard, but it sure helps knowing others care.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. Hug your moms, dads, brothers, sisters, etc. etc. Enjoy each other and remember what’s really important in life! (Nice lecture I squeezed in there at the end huh??